


You Are Slowly Killing Me

by andifdreams



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Lots of Angst, Romance, Songfic, all the Jily feels, but not really, jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 06:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10657164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andifdreams/pseuds/andifdreams
Summary: How many times do you have to say you aren't in love with someone to make it true?





	You Are Slowly Killing Me

//

 

_ if i pulled a you on you  _

 

How many times do you have to say you're not in love with someone to make it true? Because for all the no’s I've given, the screaming matches and the promises of eternal hatred (even though we both know it's all one endless joke), I can't get over the simple facts. 

 

The sun shines. The stars twinkle. The sky is blue and the grass is green and the earth is round and we will all die someday, someday soon if the war keeps raging and the ground underneath me keeps moving. 

 

Also. 

 

James Potter is tall, and princely, and charming and handsome. Sweet and funny and endlessly stubborn but I've told him one hundred no’s and not a single yes.

 

And here I am living in terror. I have lost everything and yet l can hold on to one thing I pretend not to claim- the heart of James Potter. And ask me any day of the week and vehemently I'll tell you no, absolutely not, such a prat! 

 

Such a gorgeous and terribly funny and stunningly wonderful  _ prat.  _

 

_ you wouldn't like that  _

 

//

 

_ hello it's me  _

 

A story: One day long ago I met a boy with messy black hair and deep hazel eyes and a penchant for creating mischief.

 

//

 

_ i hate you i love you _

 

Another: One day a long time ago but not quite so long ago I fell in love with the same boy. 

 

_ i hate that i love you _

 

//

 

_ when we were younger  _

 

A joke, in honor of furious screaming and color changing hair and days where I swear I will kill him but silently wish to kiss him. 

 

Lily and James, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

 

First comes love, then comes hatred, then-

 

Well, then comes a war and death and it's not all a joke anymore, is it? 

 

_ and free _

 

//

 

_ don't want to but i can't put anybody else above you  _

 

It's hot out, but I'd rather be outside than in, stifling and suffocating in the endless demands of OWLs, even though they're ostensibly over and we can, supposedly, escape for a while. 

 

But this is Hogwarts and you can't escape from everything, not even here, especially not here. And so here I am, perched on the root of a tree with my friends and he's over there with his friends and does it make me a terrible friend, that I'd rather be there than here? 

 

//

 

_ i hate you i love you  _

 

_ Mudblood _ . What a horribly dirty word. It whispers and it shouts and then it screams, working its way through everything and especially me. 

 

And again there's James  _ bloody  _ Potter, and he's a prat, as he is--was--will always be, James  _ bloody _ Potter standing there in defense of me.

 

And some days I hate him and some days I love him a little more. And some days I can't choose which and those days are the best and the worst and it's Lily Evans and James Potter, standing by each other again. 

 

And for God’s sake (I suppose I am a Mudblood, then) I'm so tired of it.

 

So tired.

 

//

 

_ oh she don't see the light that's shining  _

 

Graduation is supposed to be happy. But for me it's marking the transition from relative safety to no safety. Because once I leave these walls I have nothing and no one and I will be alone in the real world.

 

Or at least that's what I've been telling myself, since why on earth would James Potter want to stick with me? When a Pureblood could do  _ anything _ is this world and I can do nothing at all. So I'll live in my shadowed existence in this world and he’ll live in his hallowed one and our paths won't cross, they  _ can't.  _

 

(I don't think anyone's told him that in my plans, he's supposed to abandon me)

 

_ deeper than the eyes can find it _

  
  


//

 

_ so she tries to cover up her pain _

 

I am alive and it is no thanks to Severus Snape and barely any to Albus Dumbledore and unfortunately I suppose I must acknowledge a certain James Potter, something I don't want to do but I suppose I might anyway. 

 

And as I sit in my hospital bed (At St. Mungo’s, not Madam Pomfrey’s, because now we're adults and we should know what we're doing but truly we're children  _ still) _ he's perched next to me, looking highly uncomfortable with the whole situation as his fingers brush over a potion bottle and his lips brush over his thousandth apology to me.

 

But it's no one’s fault that in the real world we're still children and we still act like it too, like we've been stuck at a table with only one biscuit for thousands to share. And children act like children, and lack sense and logic and common human decency, and that's why I'm sitting here in a hospital bed regretting every movement even though  _ Crucio  _ is supposed to fade.

 

_ and cut her woes away  _

 

//

 

_ can't keep my hands to myself  _

 

In the heat of war I've found myself in love with someone. 

 

Even in war or maybe because of war the flames are burning brighter like they're desperate to survive this, just like all of us, and that's why my best friends are getting married left and right  _ because we might not have that much time left so why not _ .

 

Only it's not  _ we might  _ but  _ we won't  _ because we all know some of us won't escape these flames alive and so I'll let my own burn brighter thank you very much. 

 

_ i wish i could but why would i want to  _

 

_ // _

 

_ god save the queen _

 

A fairytale: The prince found himself lonely and the lowly commoner found herself in love and together they fit like two halves of a whole. 

 

_ there is no future in england’s dreaming _

 

_ // _

 

_ hello can you hear me  _

 

When I was five, I had grand plans that only a child can have. I'd be a princess in a shining castle, with my own private herd of unicorns and a spellcaster to give me everything.

 

When I was ten, the fallacies of youth had yet to fade and although perhaps I wouldn't be a princess I thought I may, at very least, be distantly related to a wizard, perhaps. Because children like to dream. 

 

Then I turned eleven and the rose tinted glasses of my childhood shattered and it became a possibility but it was vague, then I was fourteen and the world started falling down around us, and then I was seventeen and it was all too real and now here I am standing in my best friend’s house watching her die.

 

And now she's dead dead  _ dead _ . 

 

And somehow James is standing here next to me. 

 

_ i was wondering if after all this time you'd like to meet  _

 

_ // _

 

_ how is it you never notice _

 

He is everywhere and everything especially now, when he's kissing me like we're burning from the ground up and he's determined to get every last second of contact he can. 

 

Shockingly enough I'm kissing him back and when his hands run through my hair and down my arms and lock around my waist I suddenly, completely, full recognize that  _ I have fallen in love with James Potter in the middle of a war.  _

 

And we are about to die.

 

_ you are slowly killing me  _

 

_ // _

 

_ and when you smile _

 

Here's a little game, it's called two truths and a lie. 

 

I hated him for his stupid smile, and his stupid hair, and that  _ look _ , that one that said  _ I want you-  _ only it wasn't rude it was an honest, wholesome truth.

 

Then I loved him for his smile and his hair and that stupid look because maybe I gave him the same one.

 

Then I loved him for his every little thing.

 

(Here's a hint: hate and love are the same emotions it's just the name you attach that lets you know you're being patently ridiculous and truly you loved him the whole time) 

 

_ the whole world stops and stares for a while _

 

_ // _

 

_ once i was twenty years old my story got told _

 

It is war, now, officially, and I just very nearly died last night. But I am in an office filled with oddities, and maybe,  _ maybe  _ there I'll stay because how can you leave when you've just been told  _ one of your number will die? _ Actually die, not escape death, not cheat it, because war waits for no one. 

 

And that number is three and three is too few and one of three is too noble to die and one of three is too young.

 

So

 

so

 

so

 

young and  _ that leaves you _ . 

 

_ //  _

 

_ put silver wings on my son’s chest  _

 

Because today is the day I die. 

 

//

 

_ once i was seven years old _

 

To all that notice, that can see, it is sudden and unexpected and  _ oh-my-Merlin-James-and-Lily  _ and then one day there's a child sitting in a home, his parents flying near but truly he's alone. 

  
_ Fin. _


End file.
